December is one of the toughest months for people facing a loss. It’s the month of annual celebrations, family traditions and events focused on coming together, joy and thanksgiving.
The season of goodwill also shines a light on the absence of lost loved ones.
For people grieving, they can feel out of touch or anxious about getting through festivities when they don’t feel happy, strong or able to join in.
At any time of the year, grief can be isolating.
Families often tell us they feel lonely after a loss. The period of time that immediately follows a funeral is described as a “void”: the cards stop dropping on the mat, freezer supplies dwindle, calls or drop-in’s fade away. And even if contact still exists, families experience situations where the loss is overlooked or ignored – often by well-meaning friends and family who don’t want to make them feel worse.
Here’s our top tips for coping at Christmas if you’re grieving
1. Put yourself first.
Say no when you need to. Find time to rest as being “on” can drain energy reserves.
2. Lower the pressure.
If events feel too much, you can skip and choose a balance that works for you. The key is being realistic and sharing expectations with your family and friends who can support you if plans change.
3. You’re not broken.
Grief is not something to cure, heal or fix. There is no timeline so if you feel overwhelmed or pressured, remember grief has no timescale or pattern.
4. Flexibility is key.
Let your hosts know how you are feeling in advance, and prepare them in advance should you need a quick escape.
5. Create new traditions.
Doing something that you did with the person you’ve lost may be too difficult, so redesign the opportunities as new traditions to create with friends and family.
For those of us who can support grieving friends and family, we’ve three simple suggestions:
1. Keep checking in, especially if plans were changed at the last minute. You can be respectful of changes to plans and need for space, but being mindful of them becoming isolated is valuable.
2. Be patient, kind and supportive using their lead. If attending an event is too much, or being in a large group intimidating, they’ll value your response in not making them feel worse.
3. Be conscious of using the lost loved one’s name, and not glossing over or ignoring an absence. We can’t make them feel any worse by mentioning the person who’s died. Conversely, we can help those grieving by including them fully in our celebrations.
It’s ok NOT to be ok at Christmas, and we’re here to help where we can.
Bereavement aftercare is possible in different ways: talking to professional counsellors, joining support groups, or reading about other techniques to help. If you, or someone you care for, needs support, speak to your local funeral team in one of our branches about our free resources.