Loss is one of the hardest emotions we experience – it’s tied up with feelings of sadness, anger, despair and confusion (and many more).
What we do know is this.
- Grief and bereavement is unique to you. There’s no formula or pattern.
- There’s no timescale.
- There’s no right way to feel or manage it. And more importantly, no wrong way either.
Sometimes, we might feel a bit awkward about it because we don’t want to hurt someone or make them feel worse or we just don’t know what to do.
Most importantly, our advice is don’t ignore someone just because you don’t know what to say. Too many families tell us they’re isolated and feel more lonely than ever before after a loss. At a difficult time, here’s how you can help them.
How to talk to someone facing loss
Their grief is already real.
Speak to them about their loss
We can’t make them feel any worse but being able to talk about it is actually helping them with their grief as you brought it up, and in doing so, created a space for them to be in.
Give them time and space.
There’s no grief deadline to reach and we know feelings come and go in varying degrees of intensity, so being patient helps a lot.
Use their loved one’s name.
They were important and meant something so let’s not pretend they didn’t exist.
Show practical support.
The meals, invitations out, school-runs will eventually fade so being mindful of keeping support going even many months after a loss.
Be flexible.
It can take courage and energy for those facing a loss to socialise so creating a space for them to be flexible should they decide last minute not to come out, or need some time away, is a kindness that allows them to navigate a new normal.
What we shouldn’t do
Ignore them.
After a loss, people are grieving and need plenty support that’s not on the clock or in a calendar.
Rush them.
A month, six months, a year, a decade – there’s no end point and they will probably come to dread comments such as “you’ll be over it now” or “surely it’s time to move on”.
Compare their grief to your experience.
It’s a fine balance to show empathy when emotions run high, but whether you have direct or second hand experience of loss, be mindful of turning a conversation from them to you/someone else.
Bereaved and grieving people, old and young, from all cultures, are on a journey of adjustment. They will face a new normal. The way we help is to include them in as many activities as you can, keeping their loved one alive in conversation and figuring out exactly what works for them and you as individuals.
Being intentionally supportive means you won’t be making it worse.
There are many experienced people and companies who assist people to manage their way through a bereavement. We can signpost people to specialists and also offer a range of complimentary resources from every branch. Find the one nearest to you here.