FAQs
Frequently asked questions that you might have before attending a funeral
What should I wear?
Funeral dress codes are set by the family or organisers and specific instructions are often provided in the obituary found online, on social media or in a newspaper notice.
These days, we see more and more requests for a particular colour to reflect a favourite of the person who’s died. Sometimes team colours or a uniform is recommended. And of course, weather and location should be taken into account – for example, stilletos on a wet hillside cemetery may be better replaced by boots and then switched after.
In the absence of a specific request, our recommendation is to wear something formal and respectful. This can be interpreted as you think relevant: chinos is more formal than denim and would be seen as respectful just as a suit may be to someone else. Darker colours are more popular choices but not always restricted to black.
How long does a service last?
There’s no formula for the funeral length. It’s our experience that most indoor funeral services will take 40 minutes if it involves an officiant, music and readings. These are likely to be held in places of worship, crematoria or funeral home service rooms and can feature digital tributes, performers or other presentations.
Graveside services can last anything from 15-30 minutes depending on space, proximity to car or place of worship and weather conditions. It’s also possible for attendees to spend time around the grave for longer than an indoor event.
Where should I sit?
Family and close friends are seated in the first couple of rows in a service. Signs may be used to keep dedicated space free and, In some cases, the family may choose to arrive first so rows are filled behind and after them. In other situations, they will arrive last and be led to their seats as a signal to start the funeral. We recommend filling a service space from the top down so families do not feel isolated. It’s also helpful for funeral directors to keep back rows and end seats free to be used discreetly by any latecomers.
Where should I send flowers?
Specific instructions for funeral flowers are available in the online obituary or on social media, or in the newspaper notice. In the absence of no guidance, flowers can be sent to the funeral director the day before. In some cases, flowers can be sent to the church but we recommend you check with the venue direct as they may operate on limited hours. Crematoria will not accept flowers directly. Flowers can be sent to the family at any time.
How do I write a condolence card?
Families facing loss can receive many messages of condolence in cards and/or with flowers as well as through online obituaries or on social media.
Condolence cards allow you to share memories, and possibly in more detail than an online post may. Personal recollections, stories, “the time when…” as these are the proof points of someone’s life lived. The impact they left on you is personal, so sharing that with their loved ones may be something they can resonate with. It’s a chance to say what you would to the person who’s died as if they were standing in front of you.
A top tip is to only pledge help or offer to reach out when you’re likely or able to follow this through meaningfully. If you want to really support someone, our experience is they will value you taking the lead in offering to help, not passing responsibility to them – especially in the weeks and months to follow.
Condolences matter a great deal. They may be a lifeline to families for weeks after who spend time browsing through messages taking great comfort from the memories shared. We hope this helps you find the right words to personalise a message to someone facing loss.